3 Signs Your Team Member Is Uncomfortable With You And How to Fix It Before They Quit
Photo by @cosmicomicfox on Unsplash
Here's an uncomfortable truth: people don't quit jobs. They quit managers.
According to Gallup research, managers account for at least 70% of the variance in employee engagement. And yet, most managers have no idea when their relationship with a team member is deteriorating until that person hands in their notice.
I have often witnessed leaders who were genuinely shocked when a valued team member resigned. "They never said anything was wrong," they tell me. "Everything seemed fine."
But here's what I have learned: team members rarely tell you directly when the relationship is breaking down. They drop subtle signals, and if you're not paying attention, you'll miss them.
Why team members don't speak up
There's a power dynamic at play. Your team member knows you control their salary, promotions, opportunities, and references. Speaking up feels risky, even when you think you've created psychological safety.
Research from Harvard Business Review found that employees are significantly less likely to give honest feedback to those with power over them, even when explicitly invited to do so.
So if you're waiting for your team member to tell you there's a problem, you might be waiting until they've already mentally checked out.
Your practice starts here
The best time to start was years ago. The second best time is today.
The cost of ignoring relationship breakdown
According to Gallup, replacing an employee costs between 50% to 200% of their annual salary. But the real cost isn't just financial—it's the loss of institutional knowledge, team morale, and the time spent recruiting and training a replacement.
And here's the key thing: most of those resignations were preventable.
3 signs your team member is uncomfortable with you
1. They've gone quiet in your 1-on-1s
Your 1-on-1s used to be productive, collaborative, maybe even energising. Now they feel flat. Your team member shows up, gives status updates, answers your questions with the minimum required detail, and leaves.
They're no longer:
Bringing problems to you proactively
Asking for your input or advice
Sharing ideas or suggestions
Talking about their career development
Making eye contact or engaging authentically
What this signals: They've stopped seeing you as someone who can help them. They're managing up instead of collaborating.
2. You're cancelling or shortening your 1-on-1s
Be honest: are you consistently moving, shortening, or cancelling your 1-on-1s with this person?
When we're uncomfortable in a relationship, we unconsciously avoid it. If you're finding reasons why other priorities are more urgent than your standing meeting with this team member, that's worth examining.
What this signals: You might be sensing the tension and unconsciously avoiding it. Meanwhile, your team member is noticing every cancelled meeting as confirmation that you don't prioritise them.
3. They're not pushing back anymore
This might seem like a positive—fewer disagreements, less friction, smooth sailing. But if your team member used to challenge ideas, ask tough questions, or advocate for their perspective and now they just agree with everything... that's not harmony. That's disengagement.
What this signals: They've stopped caring enough to fight. They're playing it safe because they don't trust the relationship can handle healthy conflict.
How to approach this in your 1-on-1s?
If you're recognising these patterns, here's how to address it. The key? Take responsibility first.
Step 1: Create genuine safety
Don't start with "Is everything okay?" That's too vague and puts the burden on them to speak up.
Instead, try: "I've noticed our 1-on-1s feel different lately, and I want to check in. I'm wondering if I'm giving you what you need as a manager. What's one thing I could do differently that would make you feel more supported?"
Why this works: You're naming the pattern you've observed, taking ownership, and asking a specific question that's easier to answer than "what's wrong?"
Step 2: Listen without defending
This is the hardest part. When your team member shares feedback—even gentle feedback—your instinct might be to explain, justify, or deflect.
Don't.
Dr. Amy Edmondson's research at Harvard on psychological safety shows that the leader's response to vulnerability determines whether it happens again. If you get defensive, you've just confirmed it's not safe to be honest with you.
Instead, try:
"Thank you for telling me that."
"That makes sense. Tell me more."
"I can see how that would be frustrating."
Step 3: Make specific commitments and keep them
Don't just acknowledge their feedback—commit to specific actions and follow through.
For example:
"You're right that I've been cancelling our 1-on-1s. From now on, I'm blocking this time as sacred. If I absolutely have to move it, I'll reschedule within the same week."
"I hear that I've been interrupting you in meetings. I'm going to work on that. Will you give me a signal if you see me doing it?"
Then, and this is critical, actually do it. One kept promise is worth a thousand apologies.
The hard truth
As a manager, the relationship with your team member is your responsibility, not theirs.
Yes, healthy relationships require effort from both people. But you're the one with the power. You set the tone. You create the safety. You go first.
According to research from Google's Project Aristotle, psychological safety, the belief that you can take interpersonal risks without fear of negative consequences, is the single most important factor in high-performing teams.
And psychological safety starts with you.
Your Self-Science
• Which team member relationship feels "off" right now?
• What patterns have you been ignoring or hoping would resolve themselves?
• What's one specific question you could ask in your next 1-on-1 to open up honest conversation?
• What's your contribution to the dynamic, even if it's unintentional?
Don't wait until they resign to realise the relationship was fixable. Take action now.
If these truths resonate and you are curious for more, follow me on LinkedIn, and visit The Self-Science Lab for more info.
Lauren Cartigny, Leadership Trainer, Executive Coach and Mindfulness Practitioner
Following a successful international corporate career in Sales for leading Tech firms, Lauren faced an unexpected burnout, life and health crisis. After re-building her life, transforming her career, and healing her body, heart and mind, Lauren has created transformative coaching and training programs to teach High-Performance from a place of Well-Being to prevent burnout, and employee churn in organisations.